Archive for March, 2008
Joke of the Day - Top 10 Man-gina/She-nis Activities
Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina
10. Immediately go shopping for a vibrator
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half
8. See if he could finally do a split
7. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet
6. Cross his legs without rearranging his [...]
The Drive By
I stood on the corner of 81st and 2nd - our agreed upon meeting place. I told her I’d meet her inside the Starbucks, but she insisted that I wait on the corner. She was driving in from Jersey, and we discussed the possibility of going somewhere further downtown. She didn’t want to deal with looking for parking twice so she wanted me to wait for her on the corner like some meat packing district trannie whore at precisely 7:30 pm. I knew it was gonna be pretty damn cold out on Saturday night, and it was, so I told her to just call me when she got to our designated meeting place, and I’d jump right out and meet her. “I’d really rather you waited outside,” she said when we spoke that afternoon. I had neither the patience, nor the desire to argue with her, so I gave in like the spineless shithead who’s been on too many dates, that I am.
I sat in the Starbucks until 7:28, when I stepped outside to meet this demanding New Jersey resident. I waited, and shivered until around 7:34, when a white Toyota, covered in bird shit, with Jersey plates slowed down at the corner. The female driver looked in my general direction, and took off. The driver seemed a little older than the woman in the picture I was sent by the person who set us up, but she was gone so quickly it was really hard to tell if it was her. I stood there like an ass until 7:41, when the same Toyota pulled up to the corner, and came to a complete stop. The driver rolled down her window and said, “Marc?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“Hey. Get in,” she said.
“Sarah?,” I said cautiously.
“Yeah, yeah, get in. It’s cold,” she responded as she rolled her window back up.
It must be real cold inside that heated car, I thought. I’m the one that’s been freezing my nuts off for the past thirteen minutes waiting for you, you asshole, my internal voice continued. I wanted to lay into her so badly, but instead I just got into the car to get some warmth.
“Was that you who drove by around 5,10 minutes ago, and then drove off?,” I asked, as I sat in the passenger seat of her filthy Camry, wondering whether or not they had car washes in Jersey.
“Yeah,” she said.
“Why didn’t you stop?,” I inquired.
“I was checking you out. One of the advantages of not living in the city and having a car. You can drive off if you don’t like what you see,” she said giggling.
“So how come you didn’t stop the first time?,” I asked, as my body temperature shot immediately back up to its normal level due to my blood boiling.
“I couldn’t really get a good look the first time, and I didn’t want you to see me.”
“Well, I saw you.”
“But I stopped the second time,” she said, as if I was supposed to feel honored.
“I think you’re gonna have to stop a third time,” I responded.
“Why?”
“To let me out,” I said.
“Really?, she asked, surprised.
“Really!,” I responded angrily.
“FINE!, she said, equally as angrily, as she jerked the car over to the curb. She barely came to a complete stop, and I somehow managed to jump out without having to tuck and roll like I was Chuck Norris in some cheesy 80’s action movie.
The last thing I heard her bark was, “Can you close the door?!… It’s freezing!”
No shit, bitch, I thought to myself, as I ignored her, and walked the ten blocks home in the cold.
Joke of the Day - Thank You For Flying With Us
A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system.
”As soon as I clock off” he said, ”I’m going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant.” The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over [...]
Joke of the Day - Who Is God?
A little kid asks his father, “Daddy, is God a man or a woman?”
“Both son. God is both.”
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, “Daddy, is God black or white?”
“Both son, both.”
“Daddy, does God love children?”
“Yes son, he loves all children.”
The child returns a few minutes later and says, “Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?”
Joke of the Day - Redneck Wins the Lottery
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.”
To which the man replied, “No sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest spread out [...]
Joke of the Day - Sex Therapy - Florida Style
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”
The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple [...]
Joke of the Day - Backwoods High Tech
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.
Digital [...]
The Door Blocker
The date was a formality. It was disinterest at first sight… on both our parts. One of those dates during which you both say to yourselves, “Okay. An hour, and I’m done. I’ll be polite, but this chick/guy is not for me.”
She had the physique of R2D2, and the personality of Chewbacca….kind of angry at the world. I think I even heard her growl a few times. I’m sure she had nothing particularly nice to say about me either. You’d have to check her blog for that . I’m guessing the address is something like:
www.34-bitter-bitchy-and-not-nearly-as attractive-as-I think-I-am.blogspot.com.
After about 45 minutes of forced conversation at the French Roast across the street from her place, I walked her back across the street, and stood at her building’s entrance. It was that awkward moment at the end of a first date that you both know will not result in a second. I wanted to simply say, “Okay. Nice meeting you. Take Care,” and leave. But despite the mutual disinterest, I still felt the need to engage her in polite conversation. She complained during the date about some exam she needed to take for work. I asked her about the specifics of the exam, and she stood there with her arms stretched - covering the entrance to her front door like a security guard preventing groupies from entering the band’s dressing room after the concert.
My mouth moved, asking her the inane question about her work, but my mind was only able to focus on this chick protecting that door with her life. As far as she was concerned, there was no way I was getting into her building, or into her precious goodies. I couldn’t believe she thought I was being anything but polite. Did she actually think I wanted some of what she got? ‘Cuz she ain’t got shit! Maybe I SHOULD try and get in, I thought for a second. This way I can hang a mirror somewhere in her apartment so she could see for herself how incredibly wrong she was about my interest in her.
Instead, I waited for her terse response to my question, and then said, “Okay. Nice meeting you. Take Care.” She said the same, and ran into her building like it was 1976 and the Son of Sam was on the loose.
Joke of the Day - The Lord Will Provide
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. “No, thank you,” Mrs. [...]
Joke of the Day - Hollywood Lessons
1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
3. All beds [...]
Joke of the Day - Stinkin? Proof
One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog.
When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves. So she went home got [...]
Joke of the Day - English Patient
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn’t [...]
Joke of the Day - The Irishman?s Wish
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, “I will give you three wishes.”
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, “I want a beer that never is empty.”
With that, [...]
The Oracle of Costco
A friend invited me over to check out his new house in the burbs. I’d have been more than happy to see pictures of the house rather than have to trek out to the land of endless strip malls and Applebees, but there was a Costco nearby, and they had something I needed. I decided to be a nice guy and get my brother one of those foam mattress toppers for his birthday. He’d been complaining about his inability to sleep well on his current mattress, and I figured a repeat of last year’s gifts of a bag of weed, and a Family Guy boxed set, weren’t gonna help his sleeping issues. So my buddy Shmegs picked me up in his pickup truck, and like Fred and Lamont Sanford, off we went into suburbia.
I got to the register at Costco, and without incident, the guy rang up the two “giant roll” 36 packs of toilet paper I had in the cart. Feeling confident that my ass would now not go unwiped for many, many months, I just waited for him to scan the mattress so I could pay and be on my way. When he saw that the topper was a king size, he put down his scanner, got really serious, and gave me the look a father gives his son when the son gets into trouble at school…or has to be bailed out of jail at 3 AM.
“Are you married!?,” he demanded to know. “Why you buying a king size!? “
“It’s for my brother. It’s a gift,” I said in my defense, scared he might take his belt off and whack me one.
“Good,” he said, relieved. “Don’t ever fuckin‘ get married! You’ll be miserable.”
As I waited for the guy at the exit to pretend to studiously check my receipt before allowing me to leave with my purchases, I thought - “Is Costco guy right? Should I not even bother dating anymore?” He was pretty damn adamant about how he felt. Spit flew out of his mouth. Then as Shmegs helped me put the mattress in the back of the pickup, I thought a 45 year old guy, working as a cashier at Costco probably isn’t the best choice for a life coach.
Right now I’ve got the queen size topper, which is perfect for one, but if I ever need to upgrade to a king, I’ll make sure to get it at a different Costco. If the wise man at this branch catches me buying another king, he’ll never believe it’s not for me, and he may just take his belt off and try and teach me a lesson.
Guy as Shakira - fat guy dance funny video
This Fat guy dance as good as Shakira.This is the most popular clip on Google Video at the moment. It’s a fat guy and his friends mimicking Shakira’s Hips Don’t Lie video. See the four minute Skakira spoof video clip above.
Here’s the lyrics from Hips Don’t Lie:
I never really knew that she could dance like [...]
