Archive for March, 2008
Joke of the Day - Surprise Package
A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. “Hello there,” says the man, “and what is your name?”
“Hello,” giggles the woman, “I’m Stacey. What’s yours?”
“I’m Jim.”
“Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??”
“Sure!” replies Jim, [...]
Funny watches - Unusual watches - what time is it
It’s not unusual to see cool new features and functionality packed into digital watches these days: MP3 players, infrared remote controls, cameras, compasses, flashlights, PDAs. Telling time has even become secondary for many watches by companies like Casio, Timex, Suunto, Fossil, and dozens of small new high-tech watch manufacturers. What is unusual, however, is to [...]
Joke of the Day - Half of everything
Three guys are walking in an abandoned warehouse. They find a genie bottle. They decide to rub it.
A genie pops out. He says, “I will grant you each one wish, but there’s a catch. Whatever you wish for, a lawyer will get 2 times more than that.”
The first guy says, “I want a million dollars.” [...]
I Got “Eh’d”
A couple of weeks back I had one of those uneventful dates that wasn’t blog worthy. She was so so looking, not all that interesting, and I forgot about her pretty much after the post date debriefing with the friend who set us up. I gave him my standard “She’s nice, but not for me” line. That was it. He accepted it without trying to urge me to go out with her one more time, like so many others have done in the past.
I hadn’t spoken to my friend since that conversation until he called last night to say hello. We spoke a bit about the usual stuff, and spent a few minutes discussing how our new blind governor has managed to get so much action. Do chicks dig blind dudes?, we pondered together. How does he see what he’s doing?, we wondered. Even amongst fully sighted people with the lights on, things wind up in the wrong places occasionally. This guy probably isn’t even getting close to his targets, so how’s he getting all that ass?, we wanted to know. To make ourselves feel better, we agreed that the women he was getting were just into the whole power thing. A logical explanation, but the guy seems pretty cool and laid back, and probably has some game too.
Once we got off of the topic of the governor, my friend mentioned that he spoke to the chick he set me up with a couple of weeks ago.
“Really?,” I said, trying to act cool.
“Yeah,” he said, as if trying to goad me into asking more. But I didn’t.
“We spoke about your date,” he continued.
“Yeah? What’d she say?,” I asked, pretending not to care.
“Eh,” he said.
“What do you mean, ‘Eh?’,” I inquired.
“I asked her how the date was, and she said “Eh!,” he told me.
“No ‘He’s a nice guy, but not for me?’,” I asked.
“Nope. Just ‘Eh.’”
“This chick is the ultimate ‘Eh,’ but I at least was nice when I told you I wasn’t interested,” I said. “I know she’s your friend, and I didn’t want to insult her…or you.”
“I know, and I respect that,” he replied. “Nevertheless, she said your date was ‘Eh’.”
“Why do I sense that you’re getting pleasure out of this?,” I asked him.
“‘Hey listen, you pretty much said the same thing about her. You just had more couth,” he said.
“Yeah well, to be ‘Eh’d’ by someone who is the poster child for ‘Eh,’ kind of irritates me,” I responded.
“You’ll get over it,” he said. “Let’s get a couple of seeing eye dogs and try to pick up chicks in the park this weekend. It’ll make you feel better. What do you say?”
“Eh,” is what I said.
Joke of the Day - A talk with god
Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord…
“God, what does a million years mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A minute.”
“Einstein asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A penny.”
Einstein asks, “Can I have a penny?”
The Lord replies, [...]
Joke of the Day - Total control
A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.
He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc.
So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him [...]
Joke of the Day - Stranded on an island
One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
“It’s certainly not a ship”, he thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the [...]
Joke of the Day - Getting down under
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, [...]
Joke of the Day - 911 emergency
There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.
She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed.
In a panic she called 911. They answered and said “This is Joe [...]
The Non-Introducer
Today’s blog specimen is one of those people who seems to know everybody. On our first date, she saw two people at the cafe we were at that she knew. She excused herself to go over to each of their tables to say hi. She was gone what seemed like a minute or so, so it was no big deal. I had the menu to keep me occupied, and by the time I looked up, she was back. As I walked her to her building, she ran into another person she knows. This time the exchange was longer than a minute or so. SEVEN minutes to be exact. I know because I kept fidgeting with my cell phone so I’d have something to do while the two of them discussed the details of a mutual friend’s divorce.
It was 9:47 when their conversation started, and 9:54 when it ended. From a geological perspective, 7 minutes is less than nothing, but when you’re the guy who has nothing to contribute to the conversation, other than a smile and a few head bobs, seven minutes is an eternity. I listened to the two of them utter phrases like, “That’s horrible,” “He’s such an ass,” and “I warned her,” for 420 excruciating seconds. What troubled me the most was not that I had nothing to say (the gabbing of two yentas about some stranger’s divorce doesn’t interest me), or even that it lasted as long as it did, as I stood there in the cold night, shivering and bored. What bothered me most was the fact that she didn’t introduce me. If I’m with a friend or a date, or anyone for that matter, I’ll always introduce them to someone I’ve just engaged in conversation…whether it’s another friend, an acquaintance, my doorman, or the guy whose job it is to power wash the bird shit off my building’s communal terrace. It’s just polite….especially if I’m gonna have a 7 minute long conversation with that other person. I’d never let the person I’m with stand there with his or her thumb up his or her ass for that long with nothing to do or say.
I was willing to overlook the non-introducing incident by asking her out again since the rest of the date was fine. Not great, but fine. She was agreeable, so we met for our second date last night, where she did it again. This time, it was in the lobby of her building. I waited patiently for her to come down. When she exited the elevator, she was already deeply engrossed in a conversation with two of her neighbors. She lifted her finger at me when she noticed me, as if motioning for me to hold on a second, and stay where I was. That second turned into fifteen minutes, as I sat on the sofa in her lobby watching her talk to these people across the room. Not only did I not get introduced this time, but I was forbidden from standing near her while she was talking to these people. She ended her conversation, came over to me, and said hi, as if nothing was wrong. She clearly sensed my displeasure with her behavior, and said, “I’m sorry about that. They’re neighbors, and I don’t like them knowing my personal business.”
“I understand,” I responded, even though I didn’t. All I could think was, “You made me sit there like a total shithead for 15 fucking minutes, you ….”
“They’re my neighbors. What am I supposed to do?,” she continued, interrupting my train of thought before I could mentally insult her.
“Tell them you have plans, and you gotta go. How about that?,” I said.
“What’s with the attitude?,” she asked in an accusatory tone.
“No attitude. You asked what you were supposed to do. I answered.”
“I’m not liking this conversation at all,” she scoffed.
“Really? You seem to love conversations. Like the one on our first date with your friend.”
“What are you talking about?,” she asked confused.
“You know, the one you spoke to for a while about someone’s divorce.”
“I hadn’t seen her in forever, and I was just catching up. What’s the big deal?”
“I have no problem with that, but you didn’t introduce me, and it was a bit awkward for me. That’s all,” I explained.
“Why did you need to be introduced to her? What are you interested in her or something? You want her number?”
“No. I don’t want her number,” I said, knowing we probably weren’t going to get out of her lobby. “It’s just polite.”
“So now I’m not polite?,” she inquired.
I hesitated, not sure what to say. It didn’t matter because she knew exactly what she wanted to tell me:
“Have a lovely evening….Is that polite enough for you?” Then she turned away, and headed back to the elevators.
The concierge in her building saw the whole thing. He nodded to me as I was leaving, as if to acknowledge that he knew I was in the right. It’s unfortunate. The concierge and I could’ve been friends, but the bitch never introduced us.
Joke of the Day - Funny blonde boat trouble
One spring morning, a blonde was excited to try out her new boat.
She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.
After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek professional help. She putted the boat over [...]
Spitzer Should’ve Just Joined Jdate
My first reaction to the pictures of Spitzer’s “lady friend” was, “Holy shit. Those pics could totally be in a Jdate profile.” Think about it. She looks kind of sexy in that first pic so you click on her profile to see a second self taken webcam picture that looks nothing like the first pic. You start to wonder. Is this the same person? Then you look more closely, and you realize she has the same nose, eyes, and lips, so yeah, it’s the same person, but what does she look like now? Then, of course, there’s the requisite sunglasses pic because everyone thinks they look good in sunglasses. But that pic looks nothing at all like the first two. Now you’re even more confused. However, she’s attractive, and you think about emailing her anyway… until you read her profile, which contains gems like “If I never went through the hard times, I would not be able to appreciate the good ones,” (taken from her myspace page, and from every episode of Oprah). You roll your eyes, and move on to the next profile. But then you go back, and email her anyway, thinking, “What do I have to lose? It’s only an email.”…But she never responds because every other guy on Jdate thought the same damn thing. In fact, most other guys never even read her profile and her homage to Maya Angelou. They just saw the slightest hint of cleavage in that third pic, and that was enough to hit the “email” button.
Spitzer could’ve saved himself $4,960.01 by signing up for the $39.99 Jdate fee…and that’s for a month, not an hour. There’s no guarantee she’d respond to him if he emailed this chick, but listing “Governor of NY” as his occupation might have helped his cause. And if he got busted trying to pick up chicks on Jdate, he’d get a whole lot of shit from his wife, but it beats getting caught going to whores, and being globally humiliated.
The bottom line is you know you got screwed when Jdate turns out to be a bargain.
Joke of the Day - Wee hughies excuse
Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.
“What’s the story this time. Hughie?” he asked sarcastically, “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”
Wee Hughie sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. [...]
PAYING FOR IT (MY OP-ED PIECE ON THE SPITZER SCANDAL)
I don’t judge. Who a man screws is his own business as long as the screwee is a consenting adult.
How much he pays for it is another story.
The only way I’d pay $5,000 to get laid is if I had a coupon for $4,999…or a mail in rebate… something. Maybe if I got to do it in a pile of 4,999 dollar bills, and got to keep the bills after a thorough cleaning, I’d consider it. I guess it could be a pile of 249 or so twenties too, or 49 hundreds, 4 twenties, a ten, and nine singles…either way I ain’t paying more than a buck…and even then, I’d want change.
I don’t believe in paying money to get laid. The misery of dating women who cancel at the last minute, or want me to fix their computers so they can contact a guy on Jdate is payment enough for me. Whenever I am lucky enough to meet someone who’s ready, willing, and able, I know I’ve paid my dues to get it. I appreciate that it’s easier for a married man who’s looking for some no strings side action to call a hooker. That’s his business. I also understand that a man in a position of power in the public eye, for whom money is not a concern, isn’t picking up three toothed crack whores in the Bronx.
But what in the hell could a chick possibly do for you for five grand an hour? There’s no woman hot enough, or good enough in bed to warrant that kind of spending. How great of a lay can one woman be? How mind boggling a blow job can she give? Even if you like to get REEEEAAALY freaky, what level of debauchery is worth that kind of money? Were there farm animals involved? Because there’s no way it could cost more than a few hundred bucks to rent a couple of sheep for an hour. The math just doesn’t work.
Apparently he wasn’t paying for discretion because these broads rolled on him in exchange for immunity like the heroin addict they catch 10 minutes into Law and Order rolls on the guy that masterminded the murder. At the very least, these chicks owe Spitzer a refund…or like 1500 hand jobs.
Joke of the Day - The magic slide
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scottish man are walking when they see something shining at the top of a building.
They go up to see what it is, and see a lamp.
The Englishman picks it up and rubs it and a genie pops out and says there is a slide at the top of that [...]
