Archive for April, 2008
CHICKS DON’T FART…
That’s what every guy would like to believe, but the folks at Beano are actively seeking to dispel that myth, per below.
It seems from their site that they’re marketing this almost exclusively to women. Yes, I realize, of course, that women are human just like men, but why market such a product so aggressively to women? Guys fart too. Is there something about women I don’t know? Are they producing proportionally more gas than men? Hard to believe with the guys I know.
Have I finally discovered the mystery of why women go to the bathroom in groups? To play a quick round of “pull my finger?”
Joke of the Day - Zoo Performer
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, [...]
Let’s Talk About Naturals
Look, since my last post about being a naturally cool guy, I’ve been thinking a lot about it. So I am going to share my thoughts about the topic and as usual it should be fun. Tell me what you think about that, later.
Joke of the Day - Intelligent Dog
A dog walks into a butcher shop, spends a number of minutes looking at the meat on display, and eventually indicates with a nod of his head and a bark that he would like some lamb chops.
The butcher, thinking the dog would know no better, picks up the lowest quality chops in the shop. [...]
CITIZEN KUNT
Last night, I had a very insightful conversation with a young lady taking a film class. I was introduced to this student of the cinema at a get together at a friend’s place. She was cute in a “I have nothing better going on in my life right now” kind of way, so we spoke for a bit. When she mentioned she was taking some sort of film class, I politely asked how she was enjoying it.
“It’s amazing,” she said. “The instructor won a BAFTA.”
“Cool,” I responded.
“You know what a BAFTA is right?,” she asked condescendingly.
“A British Oscar.”
“Yeah,” she responded, having trouble understanding how a mere peasant l like me could possibly know what BAFTA was. “Anyway, I just find the use of visual imagery in film so expressive. I especially like film makers who are able to tap into the zeitgeists of their eras,” she continued.
Zeitgeist? Who the fuck uses the word “zeitgeist” in conversation?, I wondered. I felt like Woody Allen in “Annie Hall.” I wanted to step aside, look directly into the camera and ask the audience, “Do you believe how pretentious this chick is?…’ZEITGEIST?’… What are you fucking kidding me?” Instead I just nodded, as I listened to her babble on about Kurosawa and Bergman, as if I was supposed to be impressed by the fact that she memorized the names of a couple of famous film makers.
“They were such innovators,” she continued.
Her self-indulgent babbling was hitting about a 9 on the 1 to 10 scale of pomposity, so I tried changing the subject when there was a brief lull in the conversation.
“You know what I hate? When you get a bagel with cream cheese and they don’t cut the bagel all the way through so that just the top is cut, and you have to rip the bottom part of the bagel with your hands. That happened to me this morning.”
She gave me a “what the hell are you talking about, you moron?” look, and continued onto the question and answer portion of the program.
“What’s your favorite film?,” she asked.
“I can’t really narrow it down to one, but Porky’s is a definite contender.”
“Seriously?”
“Seriously,” I responded with a straight face.
“Oh. Yeah, funny,” she said facetiously. “For me it has to be Citizen Kane. The use of visual imagery is just astounding.”
Christ! Again with the fuckin visual imagery? Didn’t the BAFTA winner teach her any other catch phrases to use at parties?, I thought. At least she didn’t say “zeitgeist” this time.
“Have you ever seen it?,” she asked in a tone that implied I was too stupid to even have heard of Citizen Kane, let alone have seen it.
“Yes, I have, ” I said politely, as I realized she was no longer cute in a “I have nothing better going on in my life right now” kind of way. Now she was just sort of there in a “I have no one else to talk to, and it’s too early to leave right now” kind of way.
“And what’d you think?”
“Of Citizen Kane? Wasn’t that enamored with it.”
“How could you say that? It’s a classic,” she protested.
“Why is it a classic? Because a bunch of film critics said so?”
“It just is.”
“But why specifically? The visual imagery? That’s not enough for me. The story has to be interesting too. I had to sit through two hours to find out Rosebud was his sled. Who cares?”
“You completely missed the symbolism.”
“That he yearned for the innocence of his childhood? I got it. My five year old niece could have gotten it. It’s not that groundbreaking.”
Then she looked at me like I insulted HER film…or I told her she was fat, or something. She then rolled her eyes, and walked away.
Almost immediately, my friend came over to me to ask what I could have said to her to piss her off so much.
“We were talking about Citizen Kane. I said I didn’t like it, and she acted like Orson Welles is her goddamn grandfather.”
“Yeah, she can be a little annoying with that stuff,” he said. “Too bad. I thought she might be interested in you. That’s why I introduced you.”
“If extreme condescension is her way of showing interest, then we should be engaged by next week.”
“Yeah, well, doesn’t matter. She thinks you’re stupid now.”
“She called me stupid?”
“Yep.”
“Like a 6 year old calls someone a stupid doodie head for disagreeing with them, or stupid as in unintelligent?”
“Choice B.”
“Why do you invite me to these things? More importantly, why do I come?”
“Because you have nothing better going on in your life right now.”
“Oh yeah.”
Joke of the Day - Invitation to Dinner
“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking fancy meal!”
“I know all that.”
“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”
“Because the [...]
Joke of the Day - The Cab Driver
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.
For a second everything [...]
Joke of the Day - Golfing Partner
One night, Peter was home watching TV when his wife entered the room and asked, “If I died, would you remarry?”
Peter thought for a second then said “Yeah I guess I would”.
Then his the wife asked, “well would you have her as your golfing partner?”
Peter replied, “yep I probably would do that [...]
Joke of the Day - Hearing Problem
An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.
One month later, the elderly man went back again to [...]
Joke of the Day - Being a Woman
Why it is so cool to be a woman
We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.
We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. [...]
The Ass Licker
I don’t really like dogs. Actually, let me rephrase that - I REALLY don’t like dogs. If you’re a dog person, please don’t be offended. I don’t like cats, or birds, or hamsters, or any other animal that people feel the need to keep in their homes either. I understand the desire for the unconditional love dog people claim to receive from their pets. I know how when you’ve had a rough day, there’s nothing like coming home to Duke, or Buddy, or Bobo - he or she won’t yell at you like your boss, or act like an asshole on a date, or be obnoxious to you at Duane Reade when all you wanna know is where the goddamn shampoo is. I get all that. But to me, dogs are just dirty. I’ve given the canines their fair chance by dating women with dogs, all of whom used my living room as their own personal toilets…the dogs, that is. Not the women. So when a friend called during last night’s San Antonio/Phoenix game, offering to set me up with a dog owner, I hesitated.
“She’s really pretty, and smart, and funny. So what if she has a dog?,” she asked.
“If it works out, at some point she’s gonna wanna bring the dog to my apartment, and I don’t want it here. Is she cool with that?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. Who cares? Why are you refusing to meet someone because they have a dog. This woman is perfect for you.”
“If she were perfect for me, she wouldn’t have a dog.”
“Get over it. What’s the big deal to have a dog in your apartment?”
“When I come over to your place, you make me take my shoes off, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Because my shoes have been walking around the filthy, urine soaked streets of the city, right?”
“So?”
“Dogs don’t have shoes to take off. All the shit they walk on winds up all over the house.”
“You’re sick.”
“I never claimed to be otherwise.”
“Just call her. She’s really cool. I’ll bet she’d even be okay with the fact that you’re not a dog lover. Just don’t discuss that on the first date.”
I was about to give in before I asked, “Does she kiss the dog?”
“Huh?”
“Have you ever seen her kiss her dog?”
“I think so. I told you. She’s a dog lover. That’s what they do.”
“Not all dog lovers kiss their dogs. Forget it.”
“Oh my god. You need help.”
“I can’t kiss a chick whose mouth touched a dog’s mouth after the dog stuck it’s face up another dog’s unwiped ass.”
“You know what?,” she said, “forget this girl. I’m getting you the number of a good therapist.”
“Forget the girl or the therapist. Just get me a dog whose ass I can lick. It’ll be the same as me kissing the girl. We can just avoid the middleman.”
“Uch!,” she said. “Go back to your basketball game. Hope you don’t get too lonely sitting on that sofa by yourself for the rest of your life.”
Her departing words stung a bit. I really don’t want to sit on the sofa by myself for the rest of my life. But I also don’t want to lick a dog’s ass by association.
End result: San Antonio: 102 Phoenix: 96…My breath: minty fresh, and smells nothing like an unwiped dog’s ass.
Joke of the Day - The Swimmer
Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion.
The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party.
During the party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition [...]
THE GORGEOUS LADIES OF POLYGY-DATE
After an overwhelming response from potential investors, and obtaining the necessary capital, the Polygy-date website is officially under construction, and we hope to be up and running before the next compound is raided. Just to whet the appetites of those interested in meeting a bride, or two…or ten, here are some early member submissions:
Joke of the Day - True Blonde
A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches [...]
Attraction vs Quality - How to win the woman of your dreams!
“How can this be serious? Reading something on the net is not possible to transoform me into a quality and attractive man that can seduce women?!”
