Archive for April, 2008
The Matzah Nazi
Just as I was finishing the remains of a bag of garlic flavored pita chips on Sunday afternoon, I got a call from this chick with whom I was set up by an acquaintance. I’ve specifically used the word “acquaintance” because this matchmaker is no friend…not because I have anything against her, I just barely know her. She’s the friend of the daughter of a friend’s business partner. I met her once for about 10 seconds somewhere at some point in time. It might have been at a wedding, at a funeral, or at one of those self thrown birthday parties people are so fond of having. Shit, it might have been her party. I just remember meeting her, and she was kind enough to think of me when it came to setting up her friend. Truth is, it was probably more like my friend pathetically asking her on my behalf, “Don’t you have anyone for him?,” and her responding, “Well, I do have a single friend with an available vagina.” And the number was given to me. And I called. And I left a voicemail.
It was as I was chewing the last few bites of the chips that the phone rang, and her number popped up on the Caller ID. I didn’t want to answer with a full mouth, but I had no choice. I had nowhere to spit out what I was eating, and I didn’t want to miss the call, and do the phone tag thing for another week. I picked up, said hello, let her say hi, and apologized for answering with a mouth full of pita chips.
“Oh, you’re eating pita chips?,” she asked in what sounded like a disappointed tone.
“Yeah,” I said, as I swallowed the last few bites, “I just got turned on to them a few weeks ago. Now I’m addicted.”
“So you don’t keep Passover?”
“Depends on what you mean by ‘keep.’ I do the seder thing with the family, but…”
“You eat bread,” she said, finishing my sentence.
“Yeah. You don’t, I’m guessing.”
“Absolutely not. If I do it, I do it all the way. It’s nice that you have the seder with your family, but what’s the point, if you eat bread?”
A religious debate less than a minute into the conversation. I was already deleting her number from my cell phone.
“I didn’t eat bread at the seder,” I responded.
“But you do the rest of the week. I don’t like when people do things half assed, ya’ know? It’s like you either keep the holiday, or you don’t,” she said in an accusatory tone.
“Uh huh,” I said, as I debated if I should say what, in the end, I just couldn’t resist saying: “Isn’t today a part of the holiday when you’re not supposed to be talking on the phone?”
“Yes, but I’m not Orthodox.”
“No. Just half assed….Are you seeing the irony here?”
I didn’t actually have the balls to say that last line, but I also didn’t need to be preached to by the Commissioner of the fucking Passover Police - especially one that commits the exact crime she professes to despise. I thought about telling her I had another call that I had to take, but she beat me to the punch with an equally unbelievable, “I totally forgot. I have to go meet a friend. Can we talk later?”
“S-u-u-u-u-re,” I said with the mock enthusiasm her lame excuse deserved. “Go have fun with your friends.”
We hung up. I then brushed my teeth to get rid of the garlic breath, and the taste left in my mouth by the conversation with the Matzah Nazi.
Funniest Search Phrases That Led to This Blog
Now, I am going to share the top ten of the funniest search engine key phrases that ever led to this blog.
Joke of the Day - Insanity
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity!
At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
Insist that your email address is: Xena_Warrior_Princess@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if [...]
Women - The Mirror of Your Soul
If you feel that you are fucked up and you want to create a stronger reality using the women as an orientation for how happy you are at the moment - guess what? You will never succeed.
Joke of the Day - Kiss and Slap
A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech [...]
Joke of the Day - Bad Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything else [...]
Joke of the Day - Big Trouble
A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she [...]
Beware
Well, I don’t know what to say. Honestly, this only means that the site is getting popular - there is no bad advertising.
Joke of the Day - The Burglar
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, “Jesus is watching you!”
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed [...]
Joke of the Day - Speeding Ticket 2
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
“There [...]
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.– Alan, age 10 (true sports fan)
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to [...]
Sexual intercourse
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ‘ Grandma, what ’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?
She was a little [...]
Blondy jokes
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw “911″ on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She’d just blow dried her hair and she [...]
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE
1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a [...]
Joke of the Day - The Surgery
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt [...]
