Archive for May, 2008
How To Get Older 3+ Women And Have Sex With Them
Follow me on Twitter!This post is written by D3N1S
Let me tell you a real world story that has happened to most of the men out there and will be happening forever. Actually it happens everyday. It is happening somewhere at the moment. This is so unbelievable stupid that i just have to make a post [...]
The Democrats are Screwed
As I’ve stated in the past, I don’t like to discuss politics on dates, or with potential dates. Discussing such touchy subjects on a first date usually leads to no second date, and discussing it prior to a date, usually leads to no date at all. So when the woman I spoke to last night on the phone asked me who I was supporting in the presidential race, I was hesitant to answer - but I did anyway. When I told her Obama was my man, she got a bit perturbed.
“How could you support him? Didn’t you hear what Bush said about him today?,” she whined. “He’s gonna appease the terrorists.”
I sighed - and then I wanted to hang up on this uninformed fool. A buck says she doesn’t even know what “appease” means - not that Bush does.
I already had a conversation like this on an actual date, and I didn’t want to go there again. I managed to change the subject, and ended the conversation with my standard blow off line: “Let’s touch base later next week.”
In the meantime, this chick can spend her time waiting for me to call again while sitting in between these two:
Joke of the Day - Special horse
There’s this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.
One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.
The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary [...]
MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DATING
Thanks to Saul, a loyal reader of the blog, I’m one step closer to achieving my goal of helping those who date drunk. Our logo has been created, and barring any legal action from Mothers Against Drunk Driving, the process of healing bitter, bitchy, alcoholic daters can begin.
All donations are tax deductible, so please help make the dating world a safer place for all of us.
Joke of the Day - Talk like a frog
A little boy turned to his grandpa and said, “grandpa, talk like a frog.”
The Grandpa replied “What?, I’m not going to talk like a frog!”
The little boy again asked, “come on, Grandpa talk like a frog please.”
Grandpa again said “No! Go bother your grandmother.”
The little boy finally gave up and left.
A little while later the [...]
The Drunk Chick
I’m very uncomfortable being around drunk people. One fear of mine is that when a person gets piss drunk, they’re gonna tell me how they really feel about me. My main concern, though, is being vomited on. I always try and maintain a vomit free buffer zone between myself and the drunk in question. I’d say six feet at the absolute minimum. If I can smell or taste the booze on them, they’re too close.
So when I showed up on Saturday night for my date with this chick I met through work, and she was fall down, speech slurring, shit faced drunk, I tried to maintain my distance. We sat across the table from each other, as this 12 step program candidate explained to me how she’d met her friends earlier that evening for A drink - “A,” as in one. Either someone dropped a roofie and some PCP into that one drink, or this chick had more than A drink. I’m leaning towards the latter.
Maybe two minutes into our conversation, she verped - and I smelled and tasted it. We were way too close to each other, and in clear violation of my six foot buffer zone requirement. I needed to escape before the salami sandwich that was clearly somewhere inside of her wound up on me.
“EXCUSE ME!,” she said, chuckling.
At least she’s a polite drunk, I thought - that is until I tried to end the date.
“I’m gonna go. Can I get you a cab?,” I asked her, as I got up.
“What’s the rush? Sit down,” she slurred.
“I’d rather go. Let me get you a cab.”
What followed was the realization of my first fear of being around drunk people. The words “pussy,” and “loser” were used a few times, as she turned into everyone’s favorite type of alcoholic - the angry drunk. I wasn’t about to stand there and be insulted, while waiting for the second fear to come to fruition. The angrier she got, the more she looked like she was gonna blow - and not in a good way. Sure, some guys might have taken advantage of the situation to satisfy their libidinous desires, but I’m both a gentleman, and someone who REALLY does not like to be thrown up on.
I left Lindsay Lohan’s older, less attractive sister at the table, and informed the waiter that he might want to get the cleaning staff on alert before this chick ruined their table clothes.
Being the philanthropist that I am, however, the date left me undaunted, and with an idea for a charitable organization: MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DATING. I already stole the logo from Mothers Against Drunk Driving:
I just need to replace the key in the image with a picture of a slobbering, vomit covered, 32 year old chick who’s likely to be single for some time to come. Too bad I don’t know how to use Photoshop.
Joke of the Day - New ceo
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The [...]
The Things You Own End Up Owning You
When I die even the devil will come to my grave and say: “The mother-f*cker knew how to have fun!!!”.
Joke of the Day - Door to door salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
“&&** off!” said the [...]
Reader’s Comment: The Oldest Myth About Dating
Months ago, I’ve written a post about the Ten Mistakes Men Do With Women and Dating. Here is one of the comments I received then and now I wanna dig some more into it…
Joke of the Day - Breakfast chores
A little boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
“Not yet,” said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little ticked off, so when he feeds the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. When [...]
Joke of the Day - No parent left behind
These are notes written by PARENTS in an Arkansas school district.. (Spellings have been left intact.)
1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take pe today. please execute him.
2. Please exkuce Mona for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear school: Please ecsc’S Johnny’s being absent on jan. [...]
Going Halfsies
As I’ve written in the past, I always pay on the first date. In fact, I always pay during the courting process - you know, the part where I’m trying to impress the woman enough so she’ll want to see me naked. So when I went on date #3 with today’s blog specimen, I had every intention of paying. I asked her out, I picked the place, and I actually liked her…so I was paying. But then the check came, and she grabbed it before I could.
“I insist,” she said.
“Please. It’s my pleasure,” I responded.
“You paid the first two dates. Let me get this one.”
I took the check holder from her. “I asked you out, I picked the place, (and I want you to want to see me naked),” I said and thought.
“Come on. Let me,” she persisted, trying to pull the check holder like we were playing tug of war.
I grabbed her hand, smiled devilishly, and said, “Next time. I promise.”
“No!,” she said, as she forcefully yanked the check over to her side.
No to next time, or no to me paying?, I thought. Was she fighting so hard because she wanted to make it clear she wasn’t interested, or did she want to pay because she actually wanted to treat me? The back and forth started to make me uncomfortable, and the couple sitting next to us had heard enough of our conversation. I had to give up.
“Okay. Thank you. But I’m definitely treating next time….How do you feel about Gray’s Papaya,” I said, trying to get at least a smirk, and a fourth date.
But she zoned me out. She was completely focused on the check. In fact, she looked shocked. I knew it wasn’t gonna be cheap, but her’s was the look of an angry old lady being charged twenty cents too much for something at the corner grocery store. As she studiously examined every item on the bill, I was expecting her to blurt out: “$1.49 a pound for apples?! For $1.49 I don’t need them. Some nerve these Koreans have!”
Instead, she looked up at me, and said, “Why don’t we split it?”
I put an end to the insanity right then and there. I placed my American Express card in the check holder, and handed it to the waiter. But not before I caught a glimpse of the total. It was $68.42.
I wondered what her limit was when it came to picking up the check, and how much she thought dinner for two at a Manhattan restaurant costs? There were no arches in the front, or a “Try Our Popcorn Chicken” sign on the building. Was she only willing to pay, if the bill was like $8? I gladly signed the credit card receipt when it was handed to me because like I said - I asked her out, I picked the place…only now I didn’t know how much I liked her. Now lest you think she couldn’t afford it, keep in mind that this chick owns her own apartment in the city, and has been working at the prestigious law firm of Jew, Jew, Token Wasp, and Jew for at least seven years. She graduated from NYU law school, a school from which I was rejected, and started making six figures right after graduation. I’m not a lawyer, but I have friends who live that fancy law firm life, and I know what they make. $68.42 is what they bill for farting in the direction of a client…and that’s only if it doesn’t smell. Now this chick wanted to go halfsies with me?
Maybe she’s in debt, and lives way beyond her means, but if that’s the case, what’s another $68.42 to add to the heap, especially after she was so insistent on paying? Her Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Fendi, or whatever the hell it was handbag alone cost 20 times that amount. Was she just selfish, or was I not worth $68.42 in her eyes? The question troubled me as I walked her back to her luxury building. I got my answer when I asked her out again, and she began to hem and haw.
I’ll now have a charge on next month’s Amex statement for $68.42 (plus tip), and a reminder that there’s yet another woman out there who doesn’t want to see me naked.
Joke of the Day - Welfare office
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, “Hi . . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job”.
The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man [...]
Joke of the Day - The race
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas [...]
