Archive for May, 2008
Reader’s Question - Win the Woman of Your Dreams!
Ok, maybe I over-exaggerated the title of this post a little bit, but we are going to talk about this desire, that we - men have!
Joke of the Day - Home remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegies by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with your signigicant other about [...]
WITNESS TO A DISASTER
I used to wonder what was more excruciating? - Being on a bad date or witnessing one. I got my answer late Sunday afternoon, as I sat on a bench in Central Park trying to read a book. There were maybe five other available benches, but the couple in question decided to sit on mine. The woman parked her oversized ass less than a foot from me, and her date sat to her left. I was initially annoyed to have my space invaded like that, but when I started to realize they were on a first date, I took the opportunity to observe. Never before had I been this close to someone else’s dating disaster. It was like getting floor seats to a Knick game - but better. I was sitting on the damn bench - literally. You’d think someone who’s been on so many bad dates would be indifferent. But there’s something special about watching it happen in front of you like a movie that’s so bad it’s good. I actually wanted to throw popcorn at these two.
It all started with the guy awkwardly suggesting that they sit. She said “sure” with the enthusiasm of someone who was asked if they’d like to get a free rectal exam. Then there was a good two minutes of complete silence. It was long and uncomfortable. I imagined what I might say to get a conversation going with this chick, if I were on the date with her. Maybe I’d comment on the nice flowers nearby, at which numerous amateur photographers were snapping their digital cameras.
“Beautiful flowers, huh,?” is what I might have said.
“Yes. Those flowers are quite beautiful. They’re Epidendrum Orchids,” she might respond.
“No kidding? Are you some sort of horticulturist?,” I’d ask.
Smiling, she’d respond modestly, “Well, I dabble a bit. Do you like flowers?”
“Sure,” I’d say enthusiastically. And a conversation might have been sparked.
Or perhaps I’d offer to buy her a $9 bottle of water from one of the park vendors.
“Can I get you something to drink?,” I’d ask, pointing to the guy selling food and beverages from a cart at a 7,000% markup.
“Water would be great,” she might respond.
“One water coming up,” I’d say.
“That’s so sweet. Thank you,” she’d reply. And maybe she’d warm up to me when I came back with her drink.
But while I was having my gay imaginary conversations with this woman, she and her date were staring blankly ahead into the field in front of us. No one was saying a word. They were two monks awkwardly maintaining their vows of silence. Then suddenly, he spoke.
“It’s so nice out today.”
Weather talk?, I thought. It’s probably the lowest form of date communication, but at least it’s something.
“Yeah, it was kind of cloudy this morning, but it got nice when the sun came out,” she responded.
Not exactly dialogue David Mamet would write, but they were talking. Now it was his turn again to speak. But he choked. I could tell he wanted to say something, but didn’t know what to say. I wanted to help him. I began mentally sending him things to say. I was his telepathic Cyrano de Bergerac.
“Tell her it’s supposed to be really nice the rest of the week, and you’re planning on taking a day off to go hiking, or something,” I sent him through our extrasensory connection. “Maybe she likes to hike, and you can talk about that….Or tell her how much you can’t wait for summer to start so you can go to your home in the Hamptons on the weekends. Who cares if you’re lying at this point? You’re dying, dude. Say SOMETHING!”
But he couldn’t hear me. The Vulcan mind meld thing wasn’t happening. And I sat there pretending to read my book, as these two said nothing for an additional six minutes. I timed it on my cell phone.
Finally, the poor bastard said, “You wanna grab something to eat?,” and I thought there may be hope.
“Nah. That’s okay,” she replied, and then continued in a whiny, nasally tone: “I’m gonna go home and make some pasta and Matzah Meal.”
I felt so bad for the guy. To be blown off for pasta and matzah meal by Fran Drescher’s big assed sister. And by someone who should probably take it easy on the pasta and matzah meal to begin with.
“Well, nice meeting you. I’m parked that way,” he said, pointing.
“Take care,” she responded.
And we all went our separate ways. Her to her food, him to his car, and me to Subway - where they sell neither pasta nor matzah meal.
Joke of the Day - Signs
These are actual signs seen around the world in non-English speaking countries. Some of the mistakes are hilarious!
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey [...]
Joke of the Day - Blonde Robbery
A red-head, a brunette and a blonde perform a Post Office robbery. They are on the run from the police and they have to ditch their car and go cross country.
They are all getting tired and happen across an old farm with a huge barn. Sneaking inside the barn, they see three old flour [...]
Better Being Ugly And Insensitive Than Handsome And Sensitive
Years ago there was a rap song that was something like that: “I prefer to be a dumb ass with money than a smart ass waiting the buss every time”.
Joke of the Day - Fast Chicken
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side the road, beside his car.
He was amazed to see that the chicken was keeping up with him. Glancing down at his speedometer, he noticed that he was doing 50 MPH.
He accelerated to 60 miles per hour and the [...]
Joke of the Day - Divorce Joke
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made [...]
Nee How…
That’s all I know how to say in Chinese, and I want to learn more. When I shared this desire with last night’s date - a pretty, yet flighty resident of the Upper West Side - she seemed puzzled.
“Of all the languages you could learn, why waste your time on Chinese? Why not learn something useful like Spanish, or French, or something?”
“Because China is on its way to becoming the world’s largest economy. If you wanna take advantage of that, you need to speak the language.”
Her eyes lit up for a moment - like she hit the jackpot.
“So like, you’re into finance and stuff?,” she asked in such an excited tone that if she were a guy, she would have had a boner.
“Not really,” I said. “I just wanna be able to have an actual conversation with the Chinese guy I buy my bootleg DVDs from. Right now our exchanges involve me asking him if it’s a good copy, and him nodding, and saying, ‘Beddy good. Beddy good copy.’…I’ve been buying movies from him for over a year, and I’d like our relationship to move on to the next level. And somehow I don’t think he’s gonna learn English.”
Maybe I’m a really good actor, or maybe I don’t convey sarcasm well, but for some reason, she didn’t get it. I’m guessing it’s because she’s a moron.
“So, what? You’re into Chinese men?,” she asked in a disgusted tone - her “she-boner” now subsiding.
“No. I just think it would be really cool to be able to speak Chinese.”
“I see,” she responded, disappointed that I wasn’t the rich international man of finance she was hoping to land.
“I’m sure you do, ” I responded, disappointed that she turned out to be a potential candidate for the Real Housewives of NYC’s second season.
The date wasn’t a total loss, though. Because of her, I learned how to write “bitch” in Chinese when I got home:
What can’t you find with google?
Joke of the Day - Dangerous Parrot
A woman’s dishwasher had stopped working, so she called a repairman.
He couldn’t accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check. [...]
Bad Boys
For all you chicks out there who dig the “bad boy” type, this kid certainly fits the bill….literally. He’s a bad BOY. At a mere 7 years of age, you’ll have to wait a while, though, until you can exchange letters, eventually fall in love, and marry him while he’s doing a stretch at Leavenworth.
Grand Theft Auto 7 Year Old - Watch more free videos
Joke of the Day - The Wedding Rehearsal
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d [...]
